Stalling and falling

To Bukit Timah Hill, 60 km. My last race on this hill (19 Mar) was the worst race of my life. Today's ride on this hill is the worst ride of my life. At just about every uphill, I stall. I fall twice, once when my front wheel lifts. I realise that falling itself takes energy, because of the struggle to stay upright. One guy blasts past, looks back and asks if I'm OK. Yes, just my ego dented. And I'd started wanting to beat my lap time and wanting to do four laps. I even drink from a Camelbak, for the first time in my life. But My hands hurt just a few minutes on the hill and I'm winded. I pass a couple of bikers and recognise a voice. It's the "Padre" and friends. I haven't seen him since 2004. He invites me to join him. The hill is bad. My ride with him is worse, as I scrabble over tree roots and fallen trunks. I see the mark of chainrings on some. Thunder rumbles. I break away, waiting for the rain to stop. I drop by my favourite mechanic to true my rear wheel. Racing isn't worth it for me; it costs too much. While I can go down the hill slowly, it's too dangerous for my wallet at racing speed.